An idling week

have been feeling very sick for a week. It is quite a strange feeling when the mind is sharp and yet the body doesn't follow the will. Colleagues say it has been my chronic disease. This syndrome usually gets to its peak during January through March each year. When I review myself, I found out that I have always been puzzling about the meaning of my life, what I wanna do before too late, struggling with different decision makings of changing jobs, getting something to study or new plans etc at this time of the year. On top of all these inner-chaotic thoughts, this period is always the most stressful time of me because I always feel powerless when facing my choir, instrumental teams and competitions at this time.

Depression gets in its way, it is so powerful that when I get up, I only wait for my breakfast, then feeling very tired, tons of work don't know how to approach, then wait for my lunch, then the same feeling again, then dinner, then same feeling again until bed.

Oh God, I really feel the power of depression. Well, afterall, the tiny positive thing is that I finally understand myself more.

I need a magic potion to whirl up my whole being... *_*

A new start at a new year

I usually have some new wishes at the beginning of each year. Things have been changing quite rapidly in the last quarter of 2004. I had a new church life after struggling for so many years since getting back to Hong Kong.

For many years I have been going church feeling like a visitor.. partly because I still allow myself to stay at the honeymoon feeling of church life back in college years.. I have been complaining that it is very hard to get deep with people in HK's environment.

Yet, things start to improve since I got into the music ministry at my church, day by day I feel more clinged to my band members and our pastor and his wife.

Nevertheless, Life is full of surprise, at my happiest time, this ministry and fellowship was suddenly brought to a halt. I started to review all this experience lately..

Surprisingly, I am less sorrow than I have expected. I somehow understand God's will more these days.. and I actually learn to treasure every tiny bit I process....

Even now, though I have no idea how God is preparing my way, I start to enjoy what He does for me (it is a big lesson) knowing that he won't trick me for sure ;-P